Clear communication, authenticity, and professional guidance are some ways to strengthen your relationship with someone who has avoidant personality disorder.
Avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) is a mental health condition characterized by long-term patterns of anxious and fearful behavior around interpersonal interactions and relationships. Its hallmark symptoms include social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to criticism — real or perceived.
When you have AVPD, fear of rejection or disapproval can lead you to avoid certain social situations, and you may be unwilling to engage with others unless you’re certain they’ll receive you positively.
AVPD isn’t a personal choice. It’s a formal mental health diagnosis and isn’t about not liking people or not wanting to engage with others. People with AVPD may long for human connection, but deep-seated fear and anxiety may keep them from forming intimate connections.
AVPD is a personality disorder, and it does not affect a person’s ability to care and love. However, it may affect their ability to express emotions, establish intimate connections, and allow connections to grow.
The exact reasons behind the complexities of AVPD aren’t fully understood, but several factors are likely involved.
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When your attachment style is avoidant and fearful, you tend to distance yourself from others to avoid being hurt, rejected, or abandoned. You may still desire connection, but you also fear it.
An avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t experience feelings of love. It means even when those feelings exist, fear of negative feedback can make you appear emotionally distant as a way of protecting yourself.
Inhibited emotional awareness in AVPD also plays a role. When it’s challenging to recognize and understand emotions — especially positive emotions like love — expressing them to those close to you can be difficult.
One popular theory on the lack of emotional awareness in AVPD, explained in a
It is possible to have a fulfilling romantic relationship with someone with AVPD. Like all relationships, it may take time and intentional effort, but the following tips may help you along the way.
Learning about AVPD
Learning as much as you can about AVPD equips you with the ability to identify and manage AVPD symptoms rather than take them personally.
When your partner is emotionally distant, for example, understanding it may be a manifestation of AVPD and not a sign they’re upset with you can help keep your lines of connection open and reduce defensiveness.
Improving communication
All couples can benefit from open, clear communication. When your partner lives with AVPD, they may be reluctant to talk openly about their thoughts and feelings due to fear of rejection or ridicule.
Establishing a calm, consistent, and supportive communication style can help build a sense of emotional safety for both of you.
Calm and honest communication can also help you discuss relationship concerns in a proactive and constructive way that’s less likely to feel confrontational.
Discussing your love language
People express love and feel loved in different ways, what some experts have called “love languages.” In AVPD, it can be challenging to recognize and understand positive emotions in other people.
It’s OK to be direct and clear about what makes you feel valued and loved in a relationship. Discussing this with your partner can help them learn how to express love for you. It may also open the doors to them feeling more secure in expressing what makes them feel loved, as well.
Encouraging authenticity
Authenticity — being genuine, open, and honest — is a powerful tool for establishing trust and connection in relationships. It promotes a sense of safety and confidence.
Being your authentic self demonstrates that your thoughts and actions are aligned, building a sense of relationship security. Being authentic allows you to model vulnerability to your partner, which can help show it’s OK to feel and express emotions with one another.
Allowing your partner with AVPD to feel fearful and insecure in some instances may, in turn, help them see they can be their authentic self with you without risking rejection or dismissal.
Being supportive
Partners with AVPD
Encouraging their interests, engaging in acts of kindness, expressing gratitude, and offering genuine praise are all ways to support someone with AVPD.
Sometimes, showing support can be as simple as being a positive, reliable presence for them during difficult situations like social events.
AVPD is a formal diagnosis. Working with a mental health professional can help your partner manage symptoms and improve their quality of life.
Individual therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), focuses on identifying and restructuring the unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving in personality disorders. A therapist may help your partner develop beneficial thought processes as well as effective coping strategies for feelings like fear and anxiety.
In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can help you work through AVPD relationship challenges (and general relationship challenges) together. Couples therapy can aid in establishing effective communication and creating an environment of understanding and empathy.
It’s never too soon to speak with a mental health professional. If you’re feeling stressed, unloved, or confused about your relationship, a therapist can help.
AVPD does not prevent a person from feeling love. Often, people with AVPD want and need connection with others but are held back by intense fear of rejection, criticism, or abandonment.
If your partner lives with AVPD, you can help strengthen your relationship by focusing on authenticity, open communication, and learning more about AVPD. It’s never too soon to work with a mental health professional individually or as a couple.
